We are really good at coming up with excuses, aren’t we? One area that I have a hard time sorting through is my own “wiring.”
I have poured through numerous personality and wiring assessments (DISC, Myers-Briggs, Kiersey, Enneagram, Strengthsfinder, etc.) over the years, all in order to discover the nature of my existence. “Who was I created to be?” I never want to stop discovering; At the same time, discovery should yield fruit. Discovery should begin to pave the trail beneath our feet so that, after some distance, our steps our surer, more deliberate, and more confident in who we were made to be. Or perhaps, the more accurate way to say it would be, how we were made to be.
You see, these assessments illuminate only part of the story. I have had some great epiphanies through this process, but they have been about how I operate.
There are a few great questions that naturally arise at this point, but today, I want to focus on one: “How do I know that my mode of operating is truly me? What if these discoveries are only identifying the box I’ve found myself inside of?” I soon discovered that this was the case.
It is easy to equate my reactions and responses to life with “wiring.” I would have to challenge this concept anymore. Wiring is who I was made to be: Divinely, universally, and uniquely. False Self is who I was conditioned to be. I came to realize that much of what I saw in the mirror was a fabrication, either of who I wanted to be perceived as, or who my environment shaped me to be. This is where the assessments have to be put into perspective. What are they measuring? Are they reflecting the authentic me, buried under layers of masks and pretense, or are they reflecting what is on the surface?
I was tired of it. I grew weary of trying to coerce behaviors out of myself that just weren’t going to happen without constant babysitting. I was fed up with coddling myself and making excuses for how I operated.
It is an exhaustive process, stripping down the False Self before your Creator. And, if it weren’t for His comfort, it would remain a terrifying prospect as well. But the reality is that once we let go of our facades, our True Identity can be revealed. It is only in this place that we can finally answer the existential question, “Why am I here?”
Having received the answer to this question, it put everything else into perspective. There is nothing else quite like walking with that assurance. It feels like being in The Matrix, seeing past all the facades of life, through to the code beneath. So naturally, as we begin to walk authentically, we remain alert for any semblance of the old man-the False Self, and we challenge its presence.
One of the great questions I have been asking myself is regarding my life-long need to be different. If we were all lined up in uniform, I would still find a way to be different. Why is it that I need everything in my life to make a statement? It could be that this is just part of my wiring as a Creative. Or, it could be that this is a way that I try to feed my False Self, garnering attention (good or bad) wherever I go. The question in my heart in this process is, “Is it self-seeking for me to want to be different?”
I don’t have an answer yet. This is still real-time for me. I do not dwell on it constantly, but the question does arise often enough that I want to do it justice. I am ok with whatever the Creator reveals-afterall, He fashioned me. His design is all that matters.